OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
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[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
What’s dopamine is dopayours.