“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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Bless you
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”