Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
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A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Sing it!
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
My first child will be named New Folder.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Morning my dudes.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo