All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
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SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Pandas 🐼🖤