Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
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Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…