Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
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Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.