“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
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Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.