Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
A French press is when you hug naked
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.