Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
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I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…