So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
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These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing