I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
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bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them