Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
You Might Also Like
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.