“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
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I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes