As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?