Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
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Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.