Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
You Might Also Like
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”