[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
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So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.