pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
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I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.