(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
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89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Fat chances are my favorite chances
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Watermelon Boss!
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous