Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
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Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
How to draw a duck
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.