I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.