Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
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Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
What’s so funny?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
The Weeknd is back
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.