Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
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[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
figuring out my emotional availability: