It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Dear Lord..
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?