DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
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we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan