My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
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so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.