Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
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“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I have never related to anyone more.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.