I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
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RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t