I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
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Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.