I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
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Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.