This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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first you must answer his riddles
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”