If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.