They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
You Might Also Like
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Seems legit
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.