My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
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If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe