[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
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You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
dads on road-trips be like
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.