Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
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One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I wanna be friends with this person
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.