They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
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I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.