A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
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Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
How actors in movies eat their food