Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
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Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it