*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
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Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Battery falling down a hole
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
In Canada they just call them geese
I’M CRYINGGG
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.