[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
You Might Also Like
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab