My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
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They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.