Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo