A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
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“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.