In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
You Might Also Like
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.