Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
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pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Holy moly
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.