*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Every work call, he judges.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*