Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
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My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.