You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
You Might Also Like
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that