Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
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My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
house sitting!
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.